Speaking Honestly About Life (4): A Dashing Spirit, Even While Bleeding

Deiform Buddha

Having experienced the Cultural Revolution, one of Chairman Mao's instructions left a profound mark on me: “Marxism, in a thousand words and sentences, boils down to one: Rebellion is justified!”

I suppose I was born with a rebellious streak, like someone with "horns on their head and thorns on their body." I’ve always lived by sayings like “If the East doesn’t shine, the West will,” or “When one door closes, another opens.” Another favorite of mine has been, “As long as the moon reflects on the lakes and rivers, there’s no need to worry about where to cast your fishing line.”

First Rebellion: Against My Primary School Teacher At nearly seven years old, I had my first act of defiance. My teacher, Mr. Qi, was writing math test questions on the blackboard. Eager to prove myself, I completed them in under ten minutes and, feeling triumphant, rushed to him: “Teacher Qi, I’ve finished!”

I was expecting praise but was instead shocked when he angrily flung my notebook to the floor. Bewildered and humiliated, I wondered what I had done wrong. Someone whispered to me, “It’s Mr. Qi, not Teacher Qi.”

I realized my mistake, but the teacher's reaction deeply hurt my self-esteem. Silently, I picked up my notebook, glared at him, and left the classroom. I never stepped foot in it again.

Looking back now, I can’t entirely blame him. If Mr. Qi had learned English, he might’ve found “Teacher Qi” similar to “Mr. Qi” and let it slide. Perhaps it was an early sign of my natural affinity for English!

Second Rebellion: Standing My Ground This was against another teacher during my first year at formal elementary school. A female classmate sitting in front of me had her tooth broken by a rock thrown by another student. The teacher, assuming I was the culprit, asked me to stand up and reprimanded me in front of the whole class. I shouted, “I didn’t throw the rock!” Eventually, the real culprit confessed, and the teacher told me to sit down.

But I refused. Furious and indignant, I stood for the rest of the class, thinking, You humiliate me, I’ll make you uncomfortable too.

Looking back, I regret it. My stubbornness must have embarrassed my teacher, Ms. Li. Poor teacher!

Third Rebellion: Against My Mother At around nine years old, I had a quarrel with my loving and kind mother. The details are fuzzy, but I remember refusing to eat for three whole days, bringing her to tears. She wanted to slap me but couldn’t bring herself to do it. I’ve written about this in detail in my heartfelt reflection Commemorating the Third Anniversary of My Mother’s Passing.

Fourth Rebellion: Against My Boss The fourth act of rebellion was against the head of my work unit. I had already been informally designated for the third-tier leadership position. The head called me into his office, gave me a long lecture, and finally said, “You still need to be tested.”

I was furious—wasn’t this just a way to keep me in a subservient position? A few days later, I requested a transfer. A few months later, I was transferred to another work unit. “Fine, test someone else!”

Fifth Rebellion: Abroad The fifth time was while I was working overseas. During a meeting, my boss falsely accused me of wrongdoing. Furious, I stood up in front of everyone and declared, “Boss, I quit. You can do it yourself!” Then I walked out with my head held high.

These were just a few examples—I’ve rebelled countless times.

Questioning Authority When I read the Tao Te Ching, I felt Laozi left too many things unsaid. If you’re going to speak, why not finish the thought? Instead, he left behind 3,000 cryptic words and then vanished, leaving me to decipher his riddles. How frustrating!

The Buddhist Sutras were no better. Despite teaching for over 40 years, the Buddha neglected humanity’s material needs and ignored our innate nature, deviating from the Greatest Creator’s intended design. His teachings left behind many unresolved puzzles for me to fix. What a hassle!

The Bible, too, left me perplexed. It didn’t answer many of my pressing questions. Besides, why didn’t Jesus lead humanity directly into the era of Lifechanyuan? Leaving at such a young age only added to the burden left for me to bear.

The Internationale sings it best: “Creating happiness—for humanity and ourselves—requires two things.”

My Ultimate Revelation I’ve finally found the path: to create happiness for humanity and ourselves, we must rely on two things: The Greatest Creator and Ourselves.

Rebellion is liberating, but it comes at a cost—grace tinged with pain. Even in elegance, the wounds still bleed.