Do Not Offer Help Unless Asked For
Deiform Buddha
October 18, 2006
Ninety percent of the efforts spent on predicting and preparing for potential hazards are unnecessary and result in a waste of time, energy, and resources. Similarly, ninety percent of voluntary efforts to help others are also unnecessary, harmful, and contrary to the natural order.
Have I got it backwards?
Think about the Great Wall that was built — how much effort was expended on it? Maintaining a million-strong army, constructing countless warships and aircraft — how much of that was utilized? You've given numerous heartfelt warnings and advice to prevent your children from being deceived when they go out — how much of your "profound insights" have been put into practice? You've agonized and racked your brains over how to prevent your spouse from straying — how much of your efforts have been effective? What's the likelihood that the scenarios you meticulously plan for actually occur in reality? Everyone can reflect on their own experiences and conclude that ninety percent of the measures and methods taken beforehand to prevent something often end up being useless.
Why do I emphasize "don't help unless asked"? Because I've found that ninety percent of the time, it's meddling unnecessarily, harming both others and oneself.
Firstly, I have to ask: why do you want to help others? If they don't ask for your help, but you insist on helping, do you realize how much harm this can cause?
It forcibly imposes emotional debt on others.
When you help someone, they are expected to feel grateful, thus owing you an emotional debt. “Favors are not debts, but in times of need, one might sell even their cooking pot.” Whenever you face difficulties, others are obligated to repay this debt with all their might, even if it means selling their belongings or risking their lives. They must repay. It's better to repay in this lifetime; if they can't, they'll have to come back in the next life to repay you. Do you think this is not cruel?
It forces others into economic debt.
There was a married couple who, despite living modestly, were content and happy in their daily lives. They had a wealthy friend who, seeing their "poor" lifestyle, voluntarily lent them 30,000 yuan to teach them how to do business. From then on, this couple never experienced another peaceful day. In the end, not only did they fail to become wealthy, but they also almost lost all the 30,000 yuan borrowed from their friend. The husband eventually turned to a life of crime, and the wife disappeared after divorcing him.
Consider a family of six, with elderly members and young children, struggling to make ends meet. One day, the 75-year-old elder suddenly becomes unconscious and, after lying at home for two days with no improvement, seems beyond help. At this critical moment, a Well-meaning person among their relatives and friends steps forward, lending them 10,000 yuan. He also calls the county hospital to send an ambulance to rush the elderly person to the hospital for treatment. Although the elderly person survives after being treated, they are left completely paralyzed. The 10,000 yuan borrowed is not only insufficient to cover the hospital treatment and hospitalization expenses but also prompts them to borrow another 5,000 yuan from other relatives and friends. How will this family manage their lives from now on?
Some people like to give gifts to relatives and friends. Ninety percent of these gifts are often not urgently needed by the recipients, or sometimes they are things the recipients never wanted to use in the first place. By conventional standards, you might think you're giving something for free, whether it's useful or not, at least not causing any loss to the recipient and that you should not reject something given for free. But in reality, the recipient ends up at a loss. The giver's well-intentioned gesture of care and help results in the recipient losing out. Refusing the gift might seem ungrateful. So, you accept it! At first, it seems like you're getting something for nothing, but in reality, it's accumulating debt. Both parties know exactly how much the gift is worth and how much debt they owe each other. When the time hasn't come, everything seems calm. But when the time comes, this debt must be repaid, converting the initially "useless" gift into a financial burden that must be matched or repaid in kind.
It cuts off the path for others to repay debts through suffering.
Not all suffering is necessarily a bad thing. Some suffering may be to help the person understand a certain truth, or it may be to allow the person to repay a debt. Everything happens for a reason; there is cause and effect. If you intervene and help someone without being asked, you may delay their path to liberation. Originally, it might have been an acute illness that could have been cured in three days, but because of your unsolicited help, it turned into a chronic illness that is difficult to cure even after thirty years.
Disrupted others' plans.
A father locked his son in a woodshed to save him, but a kind-hearted neighbor intervened and released the son. As a result, the son got involved in criminal activities and ended up in prison.
A young girl with only primary school education moves to the city and starts working at a restaurant. With her quick learning and dexterity, she could easily pick up business skills, which would help her in the future to open her own restaurant after leaving her current job and getting married. However, there was a well-meaning person who, seeing the girl's beauty, felt that working in a restaurant was a waste of her talent. This person then helped her find a relatively easy and comfortable job. So, what happens next?
Encourages vanity and complacency in people.
Everyone encounters difficulties and faces impassable mountains of fire at times. When unable to solve them alone, seeking help from others is appropriate. However, some individuals, with strong vanity and self-esteem, always want to display grandiosity. Even after they are no longer a director, they show off as if they are still in that position. For such individuals, anyone who attempts to help them may inadvertently harm them, yet they will never recognize the value of humility and genuine character.
Fostering Laziness
Consider the animals in the zoo. They become accustomed to being fed by humans. What would their chances of survival be if they were returned to the wild? If someone doesn't ask for your help and you offer it voluntarily, they may become dependent. Initially, they could have exerted themselves during critical moments and discovered their own great potential. But once you step in to help, their potential may never get a chance to be unleashed. They will forever believe they are worthless, like the ugly duckling.
Planting Seeds of Resentment in Yourself
Voluntarily helping others usually happens when you are in a good mood, feeling empathetic, maintaining good relationships, or feeling compelled by circumstances However, as time passes and your own situation changes, memories of those instances where you helped others will replay in your mind. You might meticulously recall each person you've assisted, how you helped them, and what you did for them. When you find yourself in a difficult or dangerous situation, you might hope that those you’ve helped in the past will step forward to assist you. If they do not step up voluntarily, you might feel resentment in your heart, thinking, "Hmph! What ungrateful people!" or "They must have no conscience!" or "They're worse than animals for not repaying kindness!" Aren’t you planting resentment for yourself?
Contradicting the Natural Order
The Tao governs birth, growth, and destruction. Formation, existence, disintegration, and emptiness, as well as arising and declining—all follow the principles of natural law. Only those who understand the laws of nature can truly help others. Without understanding these principles, our well-intentioned acts might ironically lead to harm, and our good deeds might ironically result in unintended consequences. Just like the British soldier who rescued Hitler from death on the battlefield, his act of kindness was seen as an evil deed in the grand scheme of history and morality.
Look at how brightly the flowers bloom in the fields, look at how freely the birds fly in the sky. They don't need us to interfere or offer help unnecessarily. The more we intervene, the worse things may become. Have faith in the Greatest Creator, trust in the natural order. Refrain from extending a helping hand where it’s not needed.
When we face difficulties, we must seek help. "The road to Shu is hard, harder than climbing to the sky!" Asking for help is difficult, harder than attempting extreme measures, but no matter how tough it is, it's essential to seek assistance when in trouble. By doing so, we not only understand life better ourselves but also can timely lend a helping hand to others when they face adversity.
"Grateful for a drop of water received from others, one should repay with a gushing spring." Try to handle as much as possible on your own and believe in your unlimited potential. However, when necessary, bravely seek help from others, with the intention of repaying their kindness in the future.
All rules have exceptions, especially when interacting with a life and death friend. In such critical situations, different considerations apply. "Jumping out of the three realms and not within the five elements," one might even be willing to sacrifice their own life for another. In such moments, conventional sayings like "do not offer help unless asked for" hold little relevance.
Be cautious when someone comes forward to offer excessive flattery and concern! When someone says, "I'm doing this for your own good," be cautious! When someone volunteers to help you, you should think, "Oh, what bad luck!"
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